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The Narcissist In Court
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Used with permission from Sam Vaknin and the Archives of
the Narcissism List
For all of you who are facing your Narcissist ex-spouse
in court, here are a few pointers to help your side gain
the advantage. Following that is some further advice
from an attorney.
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The Narcissist In Court
A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL
pillar and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any
cross-examination or deposition of a Narcissist.
It is essential to be equipped with absolutely
unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and
vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists
are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by
offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios which
fit all the facts.
It is very easy to break a narcissist - even a well
trained and prepared one.
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds
irresistible:
• Any statement or fact which seems to contradict his or
her inflated perception of his grandiose self.
• Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake
achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which
the narcissist fantasizes that he or she possesses, any
hint that he or she is subordinated, subjugated,
controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
• Any positioning of the narcissist as average and
common, indistinguishable from many others.
• Any intimation that the narcissist is weak, needy,
dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive,
gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, or
a victim.
• The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all
these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic
grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems
he or she had no conscious intention of exposing.
• The narcissist will also react with narcissistic rage,
hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of
what he perceives to be his or her entitlement.
• Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that
their lives are so cosmically significant that others
should defer to their needs and cater to their every
whim without question. The narcissist feels entitled to
special treatment by unique individuals, over and above
the regular "bloke".
• ANY insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct
declaration that the narcissist is not special at all,
that he is average, common, not even sufficiently
idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will
inflame the narcissist.
ADD to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of
entitlement - and the combustion is inevitable.
Tell the narcissist:
• that he or she does not deserve the best treatment,
• that his or her needs are not everyone elses priority,
• that he or she is boring,
• that his or her needs can be catered to by an average
practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer,
psychiatrist),
• that he or she and his motives are transparent and can
be easily gauged,
• that he or she will do what he is told,
• that his or her temper tantrums will not be tolerated,
• that no special concessions will be made to
accommodate his or her inflated sense of self, etc.
When approached in this manner, this will cause the
narcissist to lose control the majority of the time.
Remember, the narcissist believes that he or she is the
cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted,
exposed, humiliated, berated ("you are not as
intelligent as you think you are", "who is -really-
behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't
seem to have", "so, you have no formal education", "you
are (mistake his age, make him much older)... sorry, you
are ...old" "what did you do in your life? did you
study? do you have a degree? did you ever establish or
run a business?" "would your children share your view
that you are a good father?" "you were last seen with a
Mrs. ... who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in
demeaning disbelief))", a narcissist will stand the
chance of losing it.
I know that many of these questions cannot be asked
outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these
sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during
the examination or during the deposition phase, etc.
________________________________________
The following is from an attorney who learned about
Narcissism prior to his divorce and was thereby able to
have his attorney provoke the Narcissist to totally lose
it on the stand:
I am an attorney and have recently gone through and
finished a divorce with my ex-Narcissist spouse. I also
had my deposition taken (I have taken many myself. I
hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic
advice which should be no means conflict with whatever
your attorney tells you. Not knowing which state you
live in, it is impossible for me to offer any kind of
specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me
to do so anyway. I scored a perfect "100" in my
deposition taken by my Narcissist-ex and lawyer. I
adhered to the following rules:
1. Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of attention
will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It is a kind
of narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their
existence.
2. Whether their lawyer believes their BS is irrelevant.
There is an old reworked saying - "Hell hath no fury
like the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned". The lawyer may
try to rattle you or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such
attempts. Remain calm, cool and professional and answer
all questions honestly and slowly. Give your lawyer time
to object before you answer.
3. Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even if you
think an answer to a question will make you look
foolish, silly, or anything else. Do not attempt to
explain your answers to make them sound better. Keep
your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble or
tell stories.
Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of
a deposition is not to change anyone's mind. The purpose
of a deposition is to "freeze" your testimony in writing
so that any change or departure at trial can be used to
hang you. That is why it is so important to tell the
simple truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove
yourself right or Narcissist wrong. Just remember - if
you lie, you die!
The time and place to deal with the Narcissist is in the
courtroom. Let your lawyer do his job. Family law judges
are disgustingly used to the lying and emotionality that
goes along with divorces. You must at all costs wear the
white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge
that you are sneaky or vengeful.
To summarize the most important advice:
The real trick to beating a Narcissist in Court is
twofold in nature.
FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand
is sublime.
But, you must have ABSOLUTE, UNCONTROVERTIBLE proof of
the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of
evidence or by unassailable testimony. When confronted
with the impeaching evidence, a Narcissist will react
with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone
except the Narcissist) and will in general actively
discredit themselves.
SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle.
If possible, your counsel should structure the
cross-examination of the Narcissist to bring out and
allow the Narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose
self. It is often enough just to let the Narcissist be
himself or herself. Emotionally-healthy individuals can
generally see through the false self and discern the
true motives of the Narcissist.
Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law
courts are generally not interested in the emotional
aspects of your divorce. Most states are "no fault"
divorce states, and even though judges are people and
have emotions, generally they are interested in numbers
and custody issues. Judges do tend to ignore all the
drama, but if you can get a Narcissist to lie under oath
and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on
the witness' credibility with the judge.
That is why it SO important for us to tell the truth at
all times no matter how foolish we may think we look AND
for us to conduct ourselves in a Calm, Rational and
Dignified manner.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/narcissist.php
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