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Recognizing a Narcissist
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According to Sam Vaknin, "Narcissists are an elusive
breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to
capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician
with unmitigated access to the record and to the person
examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine
with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers
from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder or
merely possesses narcissistic traits, a narcissistic
personality structure ('character'), or a narcissistic
'overlay' superimposed on another mental health
problem."
Here is more input:
They are the biggest liars you've ever seen. They will
look you right in your eyes, swear on a stack of bibles
and tell you the biggest lie you've ever heard. They
will say they're not going to do something, while
plotting to do just what they say they wouldn't do.
They're very out of touch with their feelings. They talk
just to hear themselves talk - while not believing
anything they're trying to convince you of.
It will become obvious very soon: an over-inflated
ego. Astonishing lies. Exaggerated emotion.
The old adage "if its too good to be true then it
usually is" applies directly to narcissists.
On first meeting a narcissist will engage you directly
with their eyes, and then they will move away from you.
They will make you feel unique and that because they
have such a grandiose sense of self worth then their
attentions on you also reflect your worth. They will
initially flatter you in a way that can be quite
embarrassing. e.g., "I made you blush," "No you didn't,"
"Yes I did. Look you've gone all pink." A narcissist
projects an air of his own self importance. His facade
is well cultivated. The very second you construe a
behavior that is immoral in anyway and he/she uses an
excuse to justify the behavior that is in itself immoral
then you most likely are in the presence of a
narcissist.
How can you recognize a narcissist? I would say look
at his family. His family, like ours, is a springboard
of verbal and emotional abuse. He treats himself to
everything, but his family has financial restrictions.
He doesn't participate in caretaking or nurturing,
however he is quite available to condemn, criticize and
complain. The only great ideas are his, and the only
valid purchases are those he justifies. He brags about
how smart, healthy, talented and unique he is, but fails
to appreciate everyone around him. He even puts his
children down to elevate his own ego, and truly fails to
appreciate what he so boldly steps on. There is no
empathy, only exaggerated self emotion, self importance
and self concern. You will have no peace living with a
NPD, but removing him from your family's lives is no
easier with this knowledge. Before you know it, you are
entwined and smothered in his oppression, gasping for
air for you and your family. I think a N is like toxic
waste, there is no way to remain healthy while one is in
your life.
A narcissist is, at first glance, a friendly, real
person. This is the narcissist's bait. The person lures
people in, only to control them, in any shape ore form.
You will not recognize this, but as time progresses, you
will feel guilty. The most important thing to recognize
is that you need to live your own life and not be
controlled by a narcissist. They steal your
relationships with people and haunt your feelings. They
are a very special, wicked breed of people, who get away
with what they do. My advice: be careful with who you
meet; don't be misled.
They will relate to the problems in your life,
claiming that something very similar has happened to
them. They make it sound like they and they alone truly
understand and relate to you. They get you to share very
personal things and make you feel like you've found
someone who has been through what you have been through.
And it's very comforting.
It is difficult at first since they try to charm. Some
possibilities: They have no sense of humor ... They
manipulate and control ... They do not have a
significant number of long-term relationships ... Their
eyes have no soul They talk but only to hear themselves;
dominate conversations ... They try to give people their
opinions ... They love attention ... They are cheap ...
This person's close friends have begun to assume some of
their characteristics but don't hide them in front of
you because they are not actively trying to manipulate
you (yet)
Benign narcissists are usually just braggarts.
Malignant narcissists have subtle ways of cutting down
other people. I am always surprised at their ability to
brainwash people. Here are some of them I noticed, but
I'm sure there are plenty more tricks they use out
there. Everything they say is exaggeration, deception or
lie. Everyone word out of their mouth is 1) self praise
or, 2) cut someone or some group down. Biggest clue is
that when they get done talking to you, you are left
with a negative impression of someone, but the N never
came right out and said anything directly. Train
yourself to become aware as soon as you think something
negative about someone. You didn't really think it up
yourself. It was planted. So be on the look out for
sudden bad lighting on someone.
Narcissists are by definition liars. They appear to be
something they are not. They seem educated, confidant,
charming, and social. They are master manipulators and
total control freaks. They have no emotions and are void
of empathy. They feel for no one but themselves. They
are a bottomless pit that is never satisfied. They are
incapable of giving and receiving true love. They think
they are better than everyone else, always right and
never wrong, and their way is always the best way to do
anything. They love attention. They think only of
themselves, but make you think they are thinking of your
best interests. They dont mind buying you lavish gifts
as long as they do not have to give of themselves,
especially their time. Their time is precious to them
and you do not deserve any of their time unless it is to
their benefit. You exist solely to please them. To them,
you are less than human, you are not worthy of their
mere presence.
Constant talking and praising of herself while putting
others down. She always has the better recipe, has eaten
a better meal than you a serving her, knows more about
any topic than you do, and when she is unfamiliar with
the topic insists on immediately changing the topic.
Forgets her friends and families birthdays, and doesn't
care about it; while at the same time expecting huge
parties and lavish gifts for her own birthday. Lies
easily, and with such ease that it is difficult to
detect, since it is so common. Always wants more from
you; you could never give enough. When people call her a
"princess" she thinks it is a compliment. Competes with
people on every dimension; if you are sick, you should
feel sorry for HER since she feels bad that you are
sick. Never goes out of her way for anyone, even a dying
"best" friend. Thinks she is entitled to everything in
the world; does not expect to earn anything. You can
tell when she is on the phone with anyone, since the
other party is limited to saying "uh huh" or the like.
She never asks people about their interests, and doesn't
care what they do. Her children's accomplishments are
only valuable to the extent she can boast about them to
other people. She dominates (or tries to) any social
gathering. She has no intimate knowledge of another
human being. She sees herself as extremely talented and
extraordinarily bright, more than most of the world. She
expects gain with no effort. She has no empathy with
other people.
Unfortunately you dont really detect anything until
they have made sure youre hooked. But I can list the
most obvious traits I had in my nightmarish experience.
1. Will lie blatantly whilst looking you directly in
the eyes.
2. Will lie about who they are, what they do, and even
what they had for breakfast if they feel like it.
3. It's all about them and their problems and their
needs all the time, if you try to tell them about
you....a look of disinterest will appear on their
faces...and they lead it back to them.
4. Your emotions and feelings and needs mean
nothing...you are only there for their needs...end of
story.
5. Their moods and emotions are extreme...and one
night they can be crying and sobbing and (sucking you
dry for support) and the next day they havent a worry
in the world.
6. They will push and push for what they want until
you succumb to their wishes or needs regardless of how
you feel about it.
7. They have to be with people and are terrified of
their parents dying and leaving them (if of course the
parents are supplying something they need).
8. They are never at fault, and even if they say it
once or twice that they are...its only words to make
them seem more human.
9. When they find other better fresher supplies of
attention...you will become non existent, until they may
need you again one day when they may just rear their
heads again and try and suck you back in.
10. They will be nice as pie to your face and turn
around and tell the next person they see and say you are
nothing to them.
11. They are master manipulators and use any
information they have on you to control you and get them
what they want.
12. Their emotions are shallow and have no meaning and
everyone in their lives is nothing but a source of
attention.
13. They say things that are so out there that you
think they have gone to another planet.
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